She doesn't like Santa :(

In response to my email this week asking you to send me your questions. I have picked this very topical question to answer, however it does tie in with some of the other questions that were related to children being unhappy with new and different situations, which means you can relate it to your own child’s situation.

Here is one parent’s question;

“My 3 1/2 year old daughter seems to be scared of everything, she doesn’t like

Santa, she was chosen to be Mary in the nativity but is doing nothing because she's

scared of being on stage. a boy at nursery was wearing a spiderman mask for fancy

dress n even thou she knew who it was I struggled to get her there the next day

in case he wore it again. I really have tried to be reassuring and have empathised

with her but its sooo frustrating to see her miss out on so much because of this. So

do I carry on letting her have so much fear in hope it’s a phase she'll grow out

of? Or is there something I can do to change the way she reacts to such events?

Hope to hear from u soon, as Santa is coming to nursery next week n would love

her to enjoy the experience.”

I can really understand your frustration of not wanting your daughter to miss out on these activities and be frightened of things.

I have seen this sort of anxiety in a lot with young children, however there are things that you can do to help her to change the way that she reacts to these situations. Here are a few tips that can be used as a general guideline for you to adapt to your daughters needs and circumstance.  As Santa comes to nursery this week I do hope that they help a little, even if it means you are going in the right direction and she grows in confidence.

Let’s look at what can make the situation worse or prolong it.

·         Accidentally rewarding the behaviour, by giving it too much attention, too much fuss, hugs and cuddles can mean that it is a good thing to make a fuss.

·         Reacting too much to her insecurity, for example if you try too hard to talk her out of it or to get her to do something, it can make things worse by making her feel more self conscious.

·         Making her feel bad or humiliated, by using or saying negative things like “Don’t be silly” or “Look at Tommy he will do it”, or making negative remarks after the event such as “You should have smiled you looked miserable”.

Things that you can do to change the way she reacts to the situation.

·         Stay calm and try not to react in a nervous way yourself, if you stay calm she is far more likely to stay calm herself.

·         Use empathy, making sure it is not too much, just make a comment such as “Do you feel nervous, that’s OK it’s normal to feel a little nervous”.

·         Reassure her and again don’t overdo it and rather than say you will be alright if you do it, if possible, say it’s ok if you don’t want to do it this time , this way you are giving her the option and she will feel more in control.

·         Trust that she will join in, because once you send out the signals that you trust her and you are at ease, she will feel calmer which will help her to join in.  Children are very sensitive to their parent’s anxiety so try hard to focus on feeling positive yourself and not so much on her anxiety, and then she will pick up on that and relax more.  You can do this by having a positive mindset, and changing any negative thoughts that you have into positive ones such as, ‘I think she will enjoy this and join in a little today’.

·         Praise her attempts no matter how small even if she just stands on the stage as Mary, tell her how great she was at.

·         Reward her efforts and remember that children will do more of what they get attention for, so it is vital that you reward the behaviour that you want for example, offer to do something that she likes because she tried really hard.

·         Take things a baby step at a time by looking at the bigger picture and working towards her really enjoying Christmas nativities and Santa more next year perhaps.

Here’s an example;

While working in a nursery of 20 children 3 and 4 year olds I would see lots of children anxious at trying new things.  For example, we would have PE (physical education) in the hall all together which was great fun but it could be quiet daunting for some children.  There would always be a few new ones that would cry and not want to join in at the start of the new term.  I found that the best thing to do was to let them sit on the bench and watch for a while. 

While a few children would join in if they had a little encouragement, if I saw that they were getting anxious I would reassure them that it is fine if they want to sit and watch the others for a while and that they could come and join in when you are ready. If they got off the bench I would ask them to sit down and wait until we has finished PE, this way they were not accidentally rewarding with doing something else they would prefer.

Periodically I would give them smile put my hand out and ask you like to join now?  When they were ready whether it was in a few minutes or after a few sessions, they would get up and join in. 

The situations that you mentioned have happened at nursery, so make sure you talk to the staff about them, let them know about spiderman and his mask as they may ask him to take it off, it was always my policy not to allow masks as they can upset lots of children.  I know you can’t make the rules at nursery but keep them informed it should help. 

If you like this tip and would like more why not download my book; http://bit.ly/CBDBOOK 

All the best Ruth

Child Behaviour Tips

Ask for what you want (all ages)

There are definitely ways of saying things to children that can encourage them to do as you ask.  For example, saying ‘”will you” or “would you” can encourage teamwork by giving children a feeling that they are being invited to participate and that you trust them to do what you ask.

On the other hand by saying ‘”can you” or “could you”, children may think to themselves, “Well yes I can do it, but why should I?” or say “Yes I could do it if I wanted but I don’t want to”.

Sometimes it is not so much what we say to children but how we say it. You will need to ask in a positive way while being respectful and using a pleasant tone. If you were talking to other adults such as our work colleagues, you would be respectful and speak politely. Yet sometimes when we are talking to children we seem to talk to them in a more negative, bossy way and even aggressively sometimes.  For example, you may say to your child “can you hurry up and put those things away” yet to a colleague or other adult you may say “please would you put those things away”.  By adopting the same respect that you would give to adults, children will feel validated and happier to oblige.

What you say to your children has one of the biggest impacts on your children’s behaviour.

 It is a simple thing to do, it has instant results and the children don’t even know you are doing it. As I have mentioned our brains are like a computer and will reach for answers to the questions that you put into it.  Therefore it is important to ask for the behaviours that you want, not what you don’t want.

Asking for what you want, try some ideas out for yourself;

Tell children what you want in a positive way	What they hear	Tell children what you want in a negative way	What they hear
Would you Sit on the sofa, please	Sofa sit	‘For goodness sake can you to stop jumping on the sofa.’	Jump sofa
Will you Sit still on your chair please	Chair sit	Stop getting down from the table you naughty girl	Down table
Would you keep your hands to yourself	Hands yourself	Could you stop hitting your brother	Hit brother
Would you please walk by the pushchair	Walk pushchair
Put in your own examples below

You might think what’s wrong with saying “stop jumping”?  Well it doesn’t matter if you say “stop jumping” or “jump”, your children will hear “jump” and so they will tend to do that.  Children don’t necessarily know what you want them to do instead of jump, so you are more likely to get what you want if you are specific.

You may find that you use a negative and a positive request in the same sentence such as;

“Stay by the pushchair and stop running off”. This is confusing and far less effective than a clear positive request of “Would you please walk by the pushchair?” Therefore cut out the negative part on the end, no matter how tempting it is to say it.

You will need to gain your child’s attention and make eye contact with them before asking them to do something. Do it face to face without shouting from a distance. Ask children twice for what you want, once to ask them directly for what you want and the second time to give them a chance to do as they are asked or in case they did not understand the first time. If you ask, more often than that, children just realise that you don’t mean business until you reach the third or fourth time or however many times you ask and this will just escalate the problem. By nipping unwanted behaviour in the bud you will catch children before they get really angry and frustrated. If they do not do as they are asked after the second time, take them to the next stage which may be a fitting consequence.

For example;

• ‘Would you please pick up the bricks and put them in the box?

Pause for around 10 seconds for a response, if no response. Repeat it

• ‘Would you please pick up the bricks and put them in the box?’

No response

• Ok I am going to turn off the TV until you have picked up the bricks

If your child responds, then you can say, ‘Thank you for picking up the bricks’.

If they do not respond, go to the next step which is to give a fitting consequence.

This tip is taken from my Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour online course, for all my tips and suggestions and the complete guide to children’s behaviour sign up now ……… http://biy.ly/CBDCOURSE

All the Best

Ruth

1 common parenting mistake

Rewarding negative behaviour!

We all want the best for our children and most of us would not knowingly do things that would make them feel bad or their behaviour worse. While working with children for over 30 years I have noticed very common, universal things that parent’s do that are simply making their children’s behaviour worse. Rewarding Negative behaviour is one of the most common and it is done accidentally or unconsciously most of the time just to get some instant relief from the children’s bad behaviour. Of cause if you just stop to think about it you will see that rewarding negative behaviour is just going to make it more likely to happen again.

What sorts of negative behaviours are getting rewarded?

Crying

Tantrums

Moaning

Whining

Screaming

Interrupting

Making a noise

Showing off

Being demanding

Being cheeky or rude

Arguments

These are common behaviours and pretty much all children have done them to some degree at one time or another. If children receive some kind of reward or payoff when they do this they will quickly learn that it gets them what they want.

Why do children act this way?

They get the toy they want

They get the attention they want

They get the reaction they want

They don’t have to do something they didn’t want to do

They get the sweets, money or game they wanted

Although children end up getting what they wanted in the short term, in the long run this is very destructive for them because they need to learn better ways to handle themselves. If they learn to ask for what they want in a positive way, it will help them to feel good about themselves and be more confident in their own abilities.

Some things parents are doing to reward negative behaviour?

Smiling at behaviour to pretend it was just a joke,

Giving them affection such as sitting them on your knee and trying to cuddle them out of a tantrum

Talking or trying to reason with them while they are screaming

Trying to placate them while they are crying for something

Giving into them

Not having consequences for disobedient behaviour

Because children will do more of what they get attention for, it is vital that you stop rewarding negative behaviour. Instead you need to use positive methods to encourage good behaviour such as using rules and boundaries and age appropriate consequences. Just by watching out for the times that you do it will help you to stop it, so next time your child’s starts their screaming or arguing, walk away, don’t get drawn into confrontation and stay calm and remember!

Children can’t fight with someone who won’t fight, it’s not worth screaming at someone who won’t listen and what’s the point of having a tantrum if no one is their to see it!!!

Quiet Time!!

This week I had an article published, which is directed at Early Years Practitioners. But it is also very applicable to parent's, so hopefully you will find it useful, would love your comments!!

As Early Years Practitioners you have the opportunity to make a huge difference in a child’s life in many ways. Think about how you can shape a child’s whole future if they come into nursery disruptive and misbehaving but leave to go to school eager to learn and well behaved. It is possible to transform any child’s behaviour with the right approach and by remembering that a child’s behaviour is shaped by their thoughts, which means that if you want positive behaviour you have to encourage children to have positive thoughts and feel good about their selves.

This leaves you with a daily challenge of using only positive techniques that really work and are proven to bring out the best in all children. Here is one very effective positive way to promote good behaviour in your childcare setting which will have a long lasting positive effect on every child.

‘QUIET TIME’.

Quiet time, is a perfect time for children to just sit quietly and calm down and it helps you to simply get on with your work with minimum disruption. A child can be taken to quiet time without the whole class knowing and it is most effective when you simply, quietly and calmly walk up to a child and ask them to come to quiet time.

Quiet time is not to be confused with the naughty spot or naughty chair. There is a different negative feeling to being on the naughty spot, than there is to having quiet time. The naughty chair implies that the child is naughty, which is of course negative and unhelpful. Quiet time is not about making a child feel bad but an opportunity for a child to be taken out of a disruptive situation and as a consequence for unwanted behaviour. This way you are far more likely to end unwanted behaviour rather than temporarily distracted a child from it.

• Rules of quiet time
Let the children know the rules before you need to use quiet time for the first time. Pick a good time to introduce it and let the children know that there is no more naughty spot (if you use it) but that they will have quiet time if they are misbehaving. Here are some rules that you can tell the children about quiet time.

Children’s rules of quiet time; 3-9 year olds
1. You will have to go to quiet time if you misbehave
2. You will stay in quiet time for 4 minutes (one minute per year old)
3. Quiet time means that you will have to sit in a chair by the teacher or standing or sitting by them when we are outside
4. Quiet time starts when you are sitting quietly
5. If you start to make a fuss, talk, or leave quiet time, the time starts again when you are sitting still again
6. You can leave quiet time when the teachers say it is time You are not to talk to anyone when you are in quiet time

Quiet time for 18 month -3 year olds

Very young child can benefit from quiet time although they will not remember or understand rules so will need to use it where appropriate and will not be able to have explained the rules as such beforehand. You will only need to use it as a last resort and sparingly to help a child calm down by sitting by you for a short time.

Practitioners rules for quiet time

1. Use quiet time when children will not comply with the nursery rules and you have used a fitting consequences but the behaviour is persisting.
2. Quiet time is on a chair or on the floor next to you
3. Quiet time is for 1 minute for every year of their lives and it starts from when they are sitting still and quiet. (be accurate on this and make sure you time it, if you want it to be effective)
4. When in quiet time don’t give the child attention
5. Quiet time needs to be used consistently for unwanted behaviour. You may find you are using it several times a day at first, but this will become less frequent as the children begin to adjust to your new rules and positive actions.
6. If a child tries to leave quiet time or gets upset, take their hand and put them back into quiet time, for the first time you can say, you need to sit in quiet time, but anytime after that don’t speak to them, just take them back to quiet time.
7. When quiet time is over you can tell the child that quiet time has finished and add, “thank you for sitting nicely”. Then direct them to what you want them to do, which may be to do what you asked them before they went into quiet time.

So remember that quiet time is all about keeping a positive relationship with the children because this way you will bring out a child’s natural desire to please you. It gives you a chance to promote good behaviour and show children by example how you want them to behave.


Please contact me for details of staff training days and parent courses at childbehaviour@aol.com and go to the Child Behaviour website for more details; http://bit.ly/CBD1DAY

Happier Kids Now expo for free!

The happier kids now expo is full of helpful tips for parent's and teachers on how to help children to grow up happier. Join in now for free, I really think you willbe glad you did :)

Let me know Ruth

Tips on motivating young children to be active listeners

Here are some really useful ideas from a friend of mine of how to motivate young children to be active listeners, thanks Kakie for the great tips.

Kakie is co-creator and author for the popular Bur Bur and Friends children's book series. Bur Bur and Friends uses a cast of multicultural characters who educate kids about sports, outdoor exploration and active play through first time experiences.

As a mom it is really hard sometimes to pick your battles. (“How many times do I have to ask you to put your shoes on before you actually do it?”). Here are some strategies that seem have been successful for me. Hopefully they will work for you too.
1. I went to a local craft store,bought some brightly colored tag board and created a chart. Every time my son listens or helps, we put a sticker on the board. When the board gets full he gets a treat or toy. What is important here is that kids tie the good behavior to a reward that makes them feel good with positive reinforcement.
2. I also picked up a notebook and said to my son, “I think you are really creative. What would you think if we created a list of family rules in our house? Wouldn’t that be a great idea?” He responds with a yes and then I say, ” I need your help. What do you think they should be?” This gets buy in (with a little coaching).
Once we finished I said, “Wow – you are really good at this! So now, we both agree that these are our family rules? Remember, you created them, so do we agree moving ahead we will stick to them? Can we shake hands on that, Great! Lets sign it together! “(you may need to repeat this 4-5 times).
I took everything he said and turned it into a positive statement, had him sign the paper and explained what the signing meant (a promise or a contract). So for example, if he said, “Don’t complain”, I changed it to “We always help family without being asked.”
When he began acting up by not listening, I would point to the refrigerator where the rules were posted and calmly say, “Hmmmm, do you think that one is part of the family rules? Remember what it meant when we signed it? Don’t forget, you made those family rules all by yourself.”
It is also important to brag about the rules list in front of family and friends in front of him ‘Johnny made up a list of rules for our house, isn’t that terrific?’ Then say ‘What do you think we need to do to make sure we are following the rules?” Can we pretend this never happened and try to do it again using the rules? What would that look like?…
It’s brilliant – they come up with the answers and you look like a shining star. I believe our kids want to please us. This is especially true when we are giving them positive reinforcement.
Don’t forget to keep those rules up on the refrigerator!!
Here is the rules list for our family:
a. We say nice words and are kind
b. We listen and pay attention
c. We cooperate and work together like a friend
d. We always do what is right
e. We respect what we have
f. We express our feelings
g. We encourage each other
h. We laugh, make funny jokes and always give hugs and kisses
i. We talk in a respectful tone
j. We use our words, ask for what we need
k. Always tell the truth and be honest
l. Be thankful
m. We help family without being asked
n. We use constructive criticism
o. We separate the person from the behavior (he is too young to get this now, but as he grows he will come to understand what that means).

By Kakie Fitzsimmons, Vice President and founding partner, Farmer’s Hat Productions co-author Bur Bur and Friends book series, catch up with Kakie at http://burburandfriends.com/

Take care Ruth

How do you want your children to behave?

Do you find that the more your child misbehaves the more you think about it and the more you think about it the worse it gets?  Then it's time to take a step back and think about how you really want your child to behave.

By taking the time to regularly think about how you would like your child to behave you will find yourself focusing more on their good behaviour and encouraging more of that. 

It is vital that you pay more attention to how you would like your children to behave because children will do more of what they get attention for and by thinking about how you would like your child to behave you will start to ask yourself the right questions about how you can get your child to behave in that way. 

For example, if you feel that your child is unco-operative and never helps you out and you would like your child to be more co-operative and helpful, stop saying to yourself my child is unco-operative and never helps me out and start to ask yourself,

"How can I get my child to be more co-operative and helpful?"

This way you will start to come up with the answers you need.

You can start to think about how you want your child to behave by making a list of 5 behaviours you don't like and making them into a positive statement instead like the one above.

For example,

I hate my child moaning and crying to get what they want

Change it into a positive...

I want my child to ask nicely for what they want

Now think of ways that you can encourage this behaviour

• Only let them have what they want if they ask nicely
• Don't give into their crying and tantrums
• Praise them when they ask nicely
• ............add more ideas

By focusing on the behaviour that you want from your child, your mind will look for the answers of how to get it.  Give it a try and let me know how you get on..

If you like this idea and would like more, you can find a comprehensive guide to your child's behaviour in my book;
'A Parent's Guide to Children's Behaviour', which you can download instantly at http://tinyurl.com/yds3gqq

Best wishes Ruth